So I’m not entirely human? What am I then… I try to focus on my thoughts to find some buried answer in my mind. Is there a word for me? Alien? Ghost? How do I even know I’m not human! For Siniaar ‘s sake I was just born! Or reawakened.. Or whatever just happened to me a few minutes ago! Why do I know so much and still know nothing!? How!…………… Wait, what… What’s Siniaar…? I’m afraid I know exactly what it is, and of course have no idea. This is really getting on my nerves now! Ow! What was that? I.. I was angry.. I was really angry… Just a few seconds ago… And a flash like lightning ran across the spiritual blanket!? How stupid and random is that! I think I’m just a regular human being with some sort of mental disorder and a retina infection. Yup. That’s it. I’m a deranged person. That explains this business of waking up alone in a forest with black and blue things in my eyes, and not knowing and somehow knowing everything at the same time.
Ow! Another flash! I’m positive that was the same sort of thing that happened before; flash of lightning in my eye, or the great thing, whatever the hell is happening in whatever thing. But just like before, it didn’t hurt me. I didn’t feel anything really, not even the first time. There wasn’t any electricity, sound, heat or pain. Then why am I constantly saying Ow!? I think I’m just scared or I’m really ill, in any case I need to stop flinching. That’s clearly not helping with anything. But in my defense the bloody flash is pretty bright for something to happen inside my body! And I wasn’t feeling any anger this second time! I don’t think anger had anything to do with it in the first place.
I need to stay calm. I seem to be losing it right now, even though I was just fine moments ago once I was born, or whatever happened then. I’m actually a little impressed I was so calm after waking up, but this fit of freaking out right now is sort of pathetic. So, staying calm… I close my eyes again… I take a long, slow breath. I can see the great thing in defined perception again. It’s… different? There IS something different about it. I focus on its every detail again. It seems disturbed; as if it got stretched very slightly in two places. The bluish-white center has small two small cracks, or snaky like extensions leading out of it. One at the top and one at... My thoughts are cut off abruptly as my shut eyes perceive a strange phenomenon in all its majesty... A flash of light again! I’m glad I didn’t flinch this time. With my eyes closed, and with the great thing in proper contrast, the flash of light was overwhelming. The great thing almost disappeared in a white haze for a few moments. My vision was a complete emptiness. I opened my eyes and saw the night sky above me, with the leaves on the tall trees right above of me, swaying gently in the night breeze. The poor image of the spiritual blanket in my open eyes was starting to return to a very dull version of itself. I close my eyes again. The spiritual blanket is there again, but……! No way! There’s a third crack now!? One at the top and two at the bottom edges, forming a slight triangle from the once slightly round bluish-white area. So these flashes of light are somehow defining a shape for the bluish-white area? But what’s causing the flashes? For all I can tell it’s a random occurrence. I really hope it isn’t though; I don’t want to have to deal with flashes in my mind from time to time.
I was angry the first time a flash occurred, maybe I should get angry again? That’s pretty stupid actually. I have no reason to believe anger had anything to do with the flashes of light. But then again, I would like some answers right now. I should try it just in case, I mean I’d rather figure everything I possibly can before worrying about why I’m still lying down in some forest completely alone. My eyes are still closed; all I need to do is concentrate on being angry. Reason to be angry: I have no clue about anything that’s happening right now, and so far only more questions are coming up! In what world or circumstance do things like this happen to someone!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
The Illusion - Page 4
The car lolled forward on the road. Call it whatever you want, but i was trying to maximize my time with her. I was probably driving even slower, than when i was coming to her apartments. I was slightly losing touch with my surroundings. Even in slow motion everything seemed to blur slightly around the edges. Could she really have such power over me....? To cause my world itself to slowly fade away...? Maybe it was because i had never been with someone before... Maybe it was because i had prayed for the chance to do this very thing... To be in the presence of someone who, (to my perception), loved me as passionately, undeniably and unequivocally as I loved her... For there to be, "someone who completes me". Or maybe... It was simply because i was a "background" person in life. The "extra" in my own production of "Life"... An emotional and masochistic low-life. Maybe i was just having a terribly hard time accepting the reality of what my life was now. That i was in Love... That I... was Loved... Or maybe i'm just messed-up in the head, and am taking normal things to titanic heights. Alas, I'll never know why i felt so, or what i did... But it was the best night... No.. The best experience... NO...! The best thing that ever happened to my life...
The radio-clock displayed 4:45am, and i was still far from my intended destination. I shut out all my thoughts and queries, and forced down on the accelerator. I was running against time to achieve tonight's mission, and i needed every fiber of my mind and body to keep on track. I could feel her body-heat slowly spreading on my left side. It was like an unfair tease... I craved to stop the car right there and take her in my arms… Just to hold her.. To bask in the enlightenment that she existed and wanted to be claimed as mine. But i ignored this thirst... It could wait. I decided i needed a distraction, and immediately turned on the radio. 1973 by James Blunt starts to play... A favorite of ours... Oh Lord... Am i truly this blessed...? I look towards her, and see a smile of complete understanding spread across her face. She reaches over and grasps the hand i had placed over the gear-shift. She squeezes it lightly and says "I Love you"... Her voice is slightly strained. Out of alarm, I look over properly and see that her eyes are drooping... "I love you more"... i said, "Why don't you rest.. I'll wake you up when we're there... It's a bit of a drive"... She nodded and laid her head back on the seat... Her eyes close, and peace stretches over her features... How long since she's slept properly...? Has she been taking care of her sister's child every night? Overworked in university, and under-appreciated at home... Has she been getting time for herself...? Or just been saying so to me...? Ah.... I am a problem for her... Sleep is a much better alternative than an evening, (well.. early morning), trip with me. I would turn back and see her safely to her bed. But even she had to make preparations for tonight. So I abandon my idea and drive on... Tonight can't go to waste.
The radio-clock displayed 4:45am, and i was still far from my intended destination. I shut out all my thoughts and queries, and forced down on the accelerator. I was running against time to achieve tonight's mission, and i needed every fiber of my mind and body to keep on track. I could feel her body-heat slowly spreading on my left side. It was like an unfair tease... I craved to stop the car right there and take her in my arms… Just to hold her.. To bask in the enlightenment that she existed and wanted to be claimed as mine. But i ignored this thirst... It could wait. I decided i needed a distraction, and immediately turned on the radio. 1973 by James Blunt starts to play... A favorite of ours... Oh Lord... Am i truly this blessed...? I look towards her, and see a smile of complete understanding spread across her face. She reaches over and grasps the hand i had placed over the gear-shift. She squeezes it lightly and says "I Love you"... Her voice is slightly strained. Out of alarm, I look over properly and see that her eyes are drooping... "I love you more"... i said, "Why don't you rest.. I'll wake you up when we're there... It's a bit of a drive"... She nodded and laid her head back on the seat... Her eyes close, and peace stretches over her features... How long since she's slept properly...? Has she been taking care of her sister's child every night? Overworked in university, and under-appreciated at home... Has she been getting time for herself...? Or just been saying so to me...? Ah.... I am a problem for her... Sleep is a much better alternative than an evening, (well.. early morning), trip with me. I would turn back and see her safely to her bed. But even she had to make preparations for tonight. So I abandon my idea and drive on... Tonight can't go to waste.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Brothers - Page 1
I…. I awake. There is a rushing in and out of me. My mouth is open and I seem to be straining with some sort of function. It’s… Breathing? There is… Light… Color… Blurred, but color in this light nonetheless. I feel… I feel new. I feel naked. I feel young. I am born. I am surprised by everything. I do not know if I should know what being born means. There is doubt and certainty in every though… Every feeling… Everything is unknown to me. But even still everything seems familiar. It feels like… a dream. A dream I have lived through. My eyes are watery. There is a pain and an unknown sensation running through my body. My flesh is… What is flesh!
Where am I!? Who am I!? What is happening…
My eyes adjust to this world. A giant thing is somewhere in my eyes. It is not in front of me, or when I turn my head. But it is large. It is a… blanket. No blanket is something else I think. Something I can wrap myself with if I sleep. What is sleep!
Why do I know and not know what is happening. This awakening or being born is… Strange.
I am scared… I think that is the feeling. I start to feel myself connecting with all these words, feelings and thoughts. I slowly understand the nature of these things. A millennium of knowledge comes to me. It was waiting. But things are more certain now than uncertain. I know every word. I know every feeling. I understand everything that was scaring me. It’s like I’ve learnt everything over thousands of years; yet it all came to me in a span of minutes, slowly working its way through my memory. I can sense information slipping back into old lost connections. The only things still unknown are this Great thing in my eyes and where I got all this knowledge from. As if these things were so known to me at an earlier time that I overlooked them before, and hence don’t need to remember them right now.
I’m alone… But I don’t entirely feel alone. There’s a comfort somewhere. There’s a presence of someone. I can feel someone. I can feel the great thing. I can feel the two people in the great thing! There’s a presence all around me. Is it the great thing? It really is like a blanket. But it’s not a blanket! I can’t touch it! I can move my hands and feet; they feel new too. But I can’t feel this great thing with them. What is it!?
I close my eyes. I can see it clearly now, this great thing, as if I were staring right at it. I open my eyes again and find that it was just as it was before I had closed my eyes, but it was definitely clearer and defined when my eyes were closed. So it’s something inside me? It’s a spiritual blanket? I guess blanket would have to do for now as a description. I close my eyes again. I try to figure out what distinct qualities or features this spiritual blanket has. It was initially just a dark looming veil that flowed ever so slightly. Not flowing because of air, but as if it was itself not solid. Now I see, it’s a black smoky kind of substance. It has a bluish-white center that seems to be pulsing ever-so-gently in its contrast and with its size in the black. The phenomenon is like a slow yet great heartbeat. I feel comfortable, even though I’m straining to see it’s every detail with my eyelids closed shut! I wonder if human eyes were made to be able to look on the inside of the being itself.
Human… Human? My mind sees me as a human; an upright creature with intellect beyond that of most other creatures on a planet known as Earth. But I somehow don’t believe that simple characterization as applicable to myself. I wonder why… Physically, I’m exactly as a human being should be.
Where am I!? Who am I!? What is happening…
My eyes adjust to this world. A giant thing is somewhere in my eyes. It is not in front of me, or when I turn my head. But it is large. It is a… blanket. No blanket is something else I think. Something I can wrap myself with if I sleep. What is sleep!
Why do I know and not know what is happening. This awakening or being born is… Strange.
I am scared… I think that is the feeling. I start to feel myself connecting with all these words, feelings and thoughts. I slowly understand the nature of these things. A millennium of knowledge comes to me. It was waiting. But things are more certain now than uncertain. I know every word. I know every feeling. I understand everything that was scaring me. It’s like I’ve learnt everything over thousands of years; yet it all came to me in a span of minutes, slowly working its way through my memory. I can sense information slipping back into old lost connections. The only things still unknown are this Great thing in my eyes and where I got all this knowledge from. As if these things were so known to me at an earlier time that I overlooked them before, and hence don’t need to remember them right now.
I’m alone… But I don’t entirely feel alone. There’s a comfort somewhere. There’s a presence of someone. I can feel someone. I can feel the great thing. I can feel the two people in the great thing! There’s a presence all around me. Is it the great thing? It really is like a blanket. But it’s not a blanket! I can’t touch it! I can move my hands and feet; they feel new too. But I can’t feel this great thing with them. What is it!?
I close my eyes. I can see it clearly now, this great thing, as if I were staring right at it. I open my eyes again and find that it was just as it was before I had closed my eyes, but it was definitely clearer and defined when my eyes were closed. So it’s something inside me? It’s a spiritual blanket? I guess blanket would have to do for now as a description. I close my eyes again. I try to figure out what distinct qualities or features this spiritual blanket has. It was initially just a dark looming veil that flowed ever so slightly. Not flowing because of air, but as if it was itself not solid. Now I see, it’s a black smoky kind of substance. It has a bluish-white center that seems to be pulsing ever-so-gently in its contrast and with its size in the black. The phenomenon is like a slow yet great heartbeat. I feel comfortable, even though I’m straining to see it’s every detail with my eyelids closed shut! I wonder if human eyes were made to be able to look on the inside of the being itself.
Human… Human? My mind sees me as a human; an upright creature with intellect beyond that of most other creatures on a planet known as Earth. But I somehow don’t believe that simple characterization as applicable to myself. I wonder why… Physically, I’m exactly as a human being should be.
The Illusion - Page 3
With the beams of my car shut-off I now realize how dark it is. I can’t see who it is, or exactly where the gate-keeper was… But the person standing in the gateway was slender and the corners of the silhouettes’ body were flowing… Like flapping material wrapped around a skinny figure… Just 19, and still with a presence that isn’t easily forgotten… It was her of course… The body structure told it all… Even the expression that was probably on her face… A look darting between worry and calm admiration… She found me in the dark, far more quickly than I had expected her to… The moonlight began to light the night more prominently as my eyes adjusted to the environment. She moved out of the passage… Walked closer… She stopped directly in front of me... Too close for socially appropriate situations… It didn’t make sense, she wasn’t bothered by the gate-keeper who was probably watching… But she was always so careful in front of people. She didn’t care? Before my mind could wander on any more, she reached a little out and touched my face… And said: hi…
Her voice was milky… It gave me a deep feeling of her having some amount of longing for me… I was euphoric… I think… More lost in translation between what was happening with the universe and my body to give me this moment of connection with her… It was definitely a dream… Her touch was gentle and warm… Clasping the left side of my jaw in a warm cushion… I opened my mouth slightly… To some part, afraid that my saying anything would drive this miracle of a feeling away… But nothing came out anyway… I could see her eyes looking just a little up, at mine. I looked into her wide gaze and felt slightly intimidated… It seemed to hold me strongly and, in the deep, comfortingly… I closed my mouth and smiled… She let out a small cough of pleasure and smiled too… My grin grew larger, after which I felt silly and looked down momentarily. I looked up again, into her calm stare, and said: hi… I missed you…
I could’ve spent all night right there in my euphoria bubble, standing next to her in the cool breeze … But I realized that a more important task lay ahead. So I grasped her right hand and moved it away from my cheek, and guided it like a small nudge, toward my car. And I said, Let’s go? To which she nodded gently and smiled, and walked across to the other side of my car. I walked to the driver’s side, and got in just a few seconds after she did. I couldn’t believe tonight was actually happening! And with someone like me!? What does she see in me? She’s such a fool… Maybe she’ll end all this once she gets bored, or one of her other friends wins the “date an ugly moron” bet. Ah I could think of a hundred reasons for her not to be with someone like me… It seemed too perfect… She was too perfect for me… Even if she broke my heart with whatever experiment she was trying or whatever joke she was playing on me, I’d still make her as happy as I could… She deserved it.
The car had felt uncomfortably cold on my journey here but just a few seconds with her already made it so much more welcoming. I robotically put the key in, switched on the lights and started out onto the road, all the while looking at her. She was watching me too, but turned her gaze toward the road. That’s right, I was being reckless… The road, THE ROAD…! I was so easily distracted because of her. Her beauty was both cute and mesmerizing, at the least, but I stared at her so much because of who she was; her aura was always pulsing out to me like it was a beacon for me. I quickly, but unwillingly looked forward as well.
Her voice was milky… It gave me a deep feeling of her having some amount of longing for me… I was euphoric… I think… More lost in translation between what was happening with the universe and my body to give me this moment of connection with her… It was definitely a dream… Her touch was gentle and warm… Clasping the left side of my jaw in a warm cushion… I opened my mouth slightly… To some part, afraid that my saying anything would drive this miracle of a feeling away… But nothing came out anyway… I could see her eyes looking just a little up, at mine. I looked into her wide gaze and felt slightly intimidated… It seemed to hold me strongly and, in the deep, comfortingly… I closed my mouth and smiled… She let out a small cough of pleasure and smiled too… My grin grew larger, after which I felt silly and looked down momentarily. I looked up again, into her calm stare, and said: hi… I missed you…
I could’ve spent all night right there in my euphoria bubble, standing next to her in the cool breeze … But I realized that a more important task lay ahead. So I grasped her right hand and moved it away from my cheek, and guided it like a small nudge, toward my car. And I said, Let’s go? To which she nodded gently and smiled, and walked across to the other side of my car. I walked to the driver’s side, and got in just a few seconds after she did. I couldn’t believe tonight was actually happening! And with someone like me!? What does she see in me? She’s such a fool… Maybe she’ll end all this once she gets bored, or one of her other friends wins the “date an ugly moron” bet. Ah I could think of a hundred reasons for her not to be with someone like me… It seemed too perfect… She was too perfect for me… Even if she broke my heart with whatever experiment she was trying or whatever joke she was playing on me, I’d still make her as happy as I could… She deserved it.
The car had felt uncomfortably cold on my journey here but just a few seconds with her already made it so much more welcoming. I robotically put the key in, switched on the lights and started out onto the road, all the while looking at her. She was watching me too, but turned her gaze toward the road. That’s right, I was being reckless… The road, THE ROAD…! I was so easily distracted because of her. Her beauty was both cute and mesmerizing, at the least, but I stared at her so much because of who she was; her aura was always pulsing out to me like it was a beacon for me. I quickly, but unwillingly looked forward as well.
Monday, May 9, 2011
The Illusion - Page 2
I see the turning ahead on the left that leads down to the lane where her apartment building is. If I want to turn back, I can only do it now. I start to slow down, to the proper pace for a turning, and head for the turning on the right in order to make a U-turn and head back home away from my foolish aspirations.
I’m 10 feet away from the turn… Tears well up… I’ve been such a fool… It’s only been a few months after all, and I thought it felt like years in my ignorance. I’ve probably just imagined everything between us, and misunderstood everything that she’s ever said to me. Taken things for granted, and gone along with my ignorance in order to find comfort. And why comfort? What have I done or lost? Nothing… I’ve made bubbles of pity and loss for myself… I am my own problem… The world is innocent, in contrast to what I’ve blamed it for so many times. Life is beautiful, and I mar it myself… Pathetic… That’s the kindest thing I can say for myself…
I’m around 7 feet away now I suppose… Every second of progress with my car, has been a blow to my emotional and mental capacities. Sigh… It’s all about me… Always is... I whine so much… I look across to the other side of the road, where the street turns into her lane… I take a breath... I feel two things simultaneously… One is a lump in my throat… And the other is a small flurry in my right side pant pocket.
I stop about 3 feet away from the turn-point… I swallow part of the lump lodged in my saliva pipe and try to relax myself… Hah! What would she or anyone else think of me? I get over that thought very quickly, because I didn’t want to know the answer to that question. I wonder what the slight spark of life in my jean’s pocket was. It can’t be my phone… I don’t remember taking it… And even if it was, who’d try to contact me at 4:04am…!? I put my hand on-top of the pocket… It’s definitely my phone… But how’d it get there? Was I really that lost whilst I was preparing for tonight? Who knows what else I would’ve forgotten; maybe tonight won’t be perfect after all. I squeeze down on my pocket towards the opening, where the phone finally pops out. I had received a message… I open it… It’s from her… I start to go numb at the tips of my fingers, as excitement , wonder and worry take over me… The message reads: Where are you? You coming na?
I couldn’t believe it… Not only was she up, but she was waiting! My eyes were watering again… Such a baby… Haha… I smile and wipe my face… I reply: Nearly there…Come down…I give the indicator and go left, instead of right, towards her street. This new development left me feeling like having a cup of hot cocoa when I have a sore-throat or flu… All warm inside… God I’m such a sissy…
I reach the outside gate of her apartments… The gate-keeper doesn’t know me, he won’t let me in. He sees my car approaching and walks over to me once I stop a few paces from the gate. He asks me my name in a quiet and respective manner. I’m taken aback… I fumble with words and finally clear my head and throat, and give him my name. He nods and walks back to the gate, before opening it silently. I’m still confused and amazed… He wanted me to go in? Just because I told him my name? Either he’s confused me with someone else or this is just a game… I’m slightly scared and all hairs are on end… What’s going on!? He doesn’t do anything, as if he’s waiting… Waiting for what? The gate isn’t opened far enough for me to go through… Maybe I can only walk in… So I play along… I kill the engine and get out of the car… As soon as I get out, an image walks into the center of the opened gate.
I’m 10 feet away from the turn… Tears well up… I’ve been such a fool… It’s only been a few months after all, and I thought it felt like years in my ignorance. I’ve probably just imagined everything between us, and misunderstood everything that she’s ever said to me. Taken things for granted, and gone along with my ignorance in order to find comfort. And why comfort? What have I done or lost? Nothing… I’ve made bubbles of pity and loss for myself… I am my own problem… The world is innocent, in contrast to what I’ve blamed it for so many times. Life is beautiful, and I mar it myself… Pathetic… That’s the kindest thing I can say for myself…
I’m around 7 feet away now I suppose… Every second of progress with my car, has been a blow to my emotional and mental capacities. Sigh… It’s all about me… Always is... I whine so much… I look across to the other side of the road, where the street turns into her lane… I take a breath... I feel two things simultaneously… One is a lump in my throat… And the other is a small flurry in my right side pant pocket.
I stop about 3 feet away from the turn-point… I swallow part of the lump lodged in my saliva pipe and try to relax myself… Hah! What would she or anyone else think of me? I get over that thought very quickly, because I didn’t want to know the answer to that question. I wonder what the slight spark of life in my jean’s pocket was. It can’t be my phone… I don’t remember taking it… And even if it was, who’d try to contact me at 4:04am…!? I put my hand on-top of the pocket… It’s definitely my phone… But how’d it get there? Was I really that lost whilst I was preparing for tonight? Who knows what else I would’ve forgotten; maybe tonight won’t be perfect after all. I squeeze down on my pocket towards the opening, where the phone finally pops out. I had received a message… I open it… It’s from her… I start to go numb at the tips of my fingers, as excitement , wonder and worry take over me… The message reads: Where are you? You coming na?
I couldn’t believe it… Not only was she up, but she was waiting! My eyes were watering again… Such a baby… Haha… I smile and wipe my face… I reply: Nearly there…Come down…I give the indicator and go left, instead of right, towards her street. This new development left me feeling like having a cup of hot cocoa when I have a sore-throat or flu… All warm inside… God I’m such a sissy…
I reach the outside gate of her apartments… The gate-keeper doesn’t know me, he won’t let me in. He sees my car approaching and walks over to me once I stop a few paces from the gate. He asks me my name in a quiet and respective manner. I’m taken aback… I fumble with words and finally clear my head and throat, and give him my name. He nods and walks back to the gate, before opening it silently. I’m still confused and amazed… He wanted me to go in? Just because I told him my name? Either he’s confused me with someone else or this is just a game… I’m slightly scared and all hairs are on end… What’s going on!? He doesn’t do anything, as if he’s waiting… Waiting for what? The gate isn’t opened far enough for me to go through… Maybe I can only walk in… So I play along… I kill the engine and get out of the car… As soon as I get out, an image walks into the center of the opened gate.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The Illusion - Page 1
It’s 3 am… I’m ready… I have my keys, a blanket and a heart set on something that I believe will be the epitome of my romantic experience so far. Excitement and curiosity rage through me. Its dark outside, the concept of being so elusive creeps me a little, but some things require odd settings to become possible.
I walk to the car, the cold wind brushing alongside my face calms me a little. The smell of the air is comforting, like a plethora of memories of better days flowing through my mind. It’s quiet… I appreciate that… Being in this surrounding of peace and serenity gives me hope. Like one of those everything-is-perfect sort of feelings. If tonight was meant to be, it was certainly being presented that way. I look towards the sky… it’s warped in black with patches of blue around the spot where the moon breaks through the sparse clouds. Like a guiding eye watching over me with hope and want. I want to smile, but I’m afraid to give myself away to the gate-keeper who tries to make sense of my unusual predicament of letting my car out at such an odd hour. I’m 18, licensed to drive, mature for most things in life; and yet the look I’m given by the gate-keeper makes me feel younger and bashful. I ignore his expression and get into the car and turn the key for ignition. The engine purrs… Perfect… No struggles… No inconveniences… I pull the car out of the drive-way and switch on the lights. The glow of the headlights fills the dark street in front of me. The glow is reflected back from the surfaces of plants littered by the borders of the outer walls of my apartment building. The plants were enjoying the cool of the night; the dark calmness and the gentle breeze that caused them to sway around. Yet they welcome the energy of the light, as candles lighting up a dark alley sometimes at night as a weary soul finds its way to the home it finds comfort in. I drive…
I drive slow… Maybe, because I don’t want to cause excessive noise brought by a roaring engine tearing through the road… Or maybe because I want to enjoy the softness of the night and pace myself properly before reaching her… She lives about half an hour away from me, but with very few vehicles or people on the road right now, I could reach her in around 10 minutes. But I drive slow, so I make sure I reach her in no-less-than 45 minutes; at the time I told her I’d arrive… I was wondering what she’d be doing right now. Would she be sleeping? Or awake and wishing she could be sleeping for just a little bit longer? Or would she actually be up, obsessing over how she looked, waiting with just as much anticipation for me to arrive as I was to reach her? I think over how much inconvenience I’d make her go through, and had already put her through. Maybe she didn’t love me at all… Why should she… She could find someone better than me even in the worst of circumstances… Maybe she just said she loved me to keep from hurting me. Or believed that I didn’t in fact know what I was saying when I said I loved her. Doubt and confusion weighing over me… I think about turning back sometimes… Maybe she didn’t want to see me right now… Or would’ve forgotten… And I’d show up there embarrassed for making her feel embarrassed and putting her in an awkward situation… Haha… I’m probably just going to wind up making a mess of everything… I should turn back. I should wake up and face reality… I’m 18… I’m just impulsive and foolish I guess… And probably not mature at all… Taking love and such responsibility well before my time and need to. Ah… I probably shouldn’t have driven so slow… My mind is getting to me, and it’s winning, uncontested.
I walk to the car, the cold wind brushing alongside my face calms me a little. The smell of the air is comforting, like a plethora of memories of better days flowing through my mind. It’s quiet… I appreciate that… Being in this surrounding of peace and serenity gives me hope. Like one of those everything-is-perfect sort of feelings. If tonight was meant to be, it was certainly being presented that way. I look towards the sky… it’s warped in black with patches of blue around the spot where the moon breaks through the sparse clouds. Like a guiding eye watching over me with hope and want. I want to smile, but I’m afraid to give myself away to the gate-keeper who tries to make sense of my unusual predicament of letting my car out at such an odd hour. I’m 18, licensed to drive, mature for most things in life; and yet the look I’m given by the gate-keeper makes me feel younger and bashful. I ignore his expression and get into the car and turn the key for ignition. The engine purrs… Perfect… No struggles… No inconveniences… I pull the car out of the drive-way and switch on the lights. The glow of the headlights fills the dark street in front of me. The glow is reflected back from the surfaces of plants littered by the borders of the outer walls of my apartment building. The plants were enjoying the cool of the night; the dark calmness and the gentle breeze that caused them to sway around. Yet they welcome the energy of the light, as candles lighting up a dark alley sometimes at night as a weary soul finds its way to the home it finds comfort in. I drive…
I drive slow… Maybe, because I don’t want to cause excessive noise brought by a roaring engine tearing through the road… Or maybe because I want to enjoy the softness of the night and pace myself properly before reaching her… She lives about half an hour away from me, but with very few vehicles or people on the road right now, I could reach her in around 10 minutes. But I drive slow, so I make sure I reach her in no-less-than 45 minutes; at the time I told her I’d arrive… I was wondering what she’d be doing right now. Would she be sleeping? Or awake and wishing she could be sleeping for just a little bit longer? Or would she actually be up, obsessing over how she looked, waiting with just as much anticipation for me to arrive as I was to reach her? I think over how much inconvenience I’d make her go through, and had already put her through. Maybe she didn’t love me at all… Why should she… She could find someone better than me even in the worst of circumstances… Maybe she just said she loved me to keep from hurting me. Or believed that I didn’t in fact know what I was saying when I said I loved her. Doubt and confusion weighing over me… I think about turning back sometimes… Maybe she didn’t want to see me right now… Or would’ve forgotten… And I’d show up there embarrassed for making her feel embarrassed and putting her in an awkward situation… Haha… I’m probably just going to wind up making a mess of everything… I should turn back. I should wake up and face reality… I’m 18… I’m just impulsive and foolish I guess… And probably not mature at all… Taking love and such responsibility well before my time and need to. Ah… I probably shouldn’t have driven so slow… My mind is getting to me, and it’s winning, uncontested.
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