The Illusion - Page 1

It’s 3 am… I’m ready… I have my keys, a blanket and a heart set on something that I believe will be the epitome of my romantic experience so far. Excitement and curiosity rage through me. Its dark outside, the concept of being so elusive creeps me a little, but some things require odd settings to become possible.

I walk to the car, the cold wind brushing alongside my face calms me a little. The smell of the air is comforting, like a plethora of memories of better days flowing through my mind. It’s quiet… I appreciate that… Being in this surrounding of peace and serenity gives me hope. Like one of those everything-is-perfect sort of feelings. If tonight was meant to be, it was certainly being presented that way. I look towards the sky… it’s warped in black with patches of blue around the spot where the moon breaks through the sparse clouds. Like a guiding eye watching over me with hope and want. I want to smile, but I’m afraid to give myself away to the gate-keeper who tries to make sense of my unusual predicament of letting my car out at such an odd hour. I’m 18, licensed to drive, mature for most things in life; and yet the look I’m given by the gate-keeper makes me feel younger and bashful. I ignore his expression and get into the car and turn the key for ignition. The engine purrs… Perfect… No struggles… No inconveniences… I pull the car out of the drive-way and switch on the lights. The glow of the headlights fills the dark street in front of me. The glow is reflected back from the surfaces of plants littered by the borders of the outer walls of my apartment building. The plants were enjoying the cool of the night; the dark calmness and the gentle breeze that caused them to sway around. Yet they welcome the energy of the light, as candles lighting up a dark alley sometimes at night as a weary soul finds its way to the home it finds comfort in. I drive…

I drive slow… Maybe, because I don’t want to cause excessive noise brought by a roaring engine tearing through the road… Or maybe because I want to enjoy the softness of the night and pace myself properly before reaching her… She lives about half an hour away from me, but with very few vehicles or people on the road right now, I could reach her in around 10 minutes. But I drive slow, so I make sure I reach her in no-less-than 45 minutes; at the time I told her I’d arrive… I was wondering what she’d be doing right now. Would she be sleeping? Or awake and wishing she could be sleeping for just a little bit longer? Or would she actually be up, obsessing over how she looked, waiting with just as much anticipation for me to arrive as I was to reach her? I think over how much inconvenience I’d make her go through, and had already put her through. Maybe she didn’t love me at all… Why should she… She could find someone better than me even in the worst of circumstances… Maybe she just said she loved me to keep from hurting me. Or believed that I didn’t in fact know what I was saying when I said I loved her. Doubt and confusion weighing over me… I think about turning back sometimes… Maybe she didn’t want to see me right now… Or would’ve forgotten… And I’d show up there embarrassed for making her feel embarrassed and putting her in an awkward situation… Haha… I’m probably just going to wind up making a mess of everything… I should turn back. I should wake up and face reality… I’m 18… I’m just impulsive and foolish I guess… And probably not mature at all… Taking love and such responsibility well before my time and need to. Ah… I probably shouldn’t have driven so slow… My mind is getting to me, and it’s winning, uncontested.